crevette: (magicalmuscularcrotch!)
[personal profile] crevette
Dear Orlando Bloom:

Regarding today's picture in which you were working out in a gym in South Africa whilst shooing a movie, I can only say GAH!.



You're a cruel, cruel man. Here I am sitting with a uterus three days away from a total abdominal hysterectomy and you show up with your facial hair and your curls and muscles and your smile and my enlarged fibroided clot filled uterus starts seizing up like a car that hasn't had it's oil changed in 20,000 miles (Much like any car my mother drives). I mean, really? REALLY?

I mean, first you throw down the God Awful purple sweatpants:



I mean, those were enough to make my vagina rappel down my leg and run off to go run a craps table in Atlantic City so it would never have to contemplate you again.

Then you pull out the neon yellow jobbies:



Those were like the "FINISH HER" part of Mortal Kombat except it was on my libedo. And I was okay with that. Dwayne Johnson has been VERY accomodating with the smiles and muscles and such things.

But now you're back to work (and by work, I mean actual work, not photo ops with your wife). And Jesus, you're kind of hot again. And you're in a movie that is going to have lots of you nudity and love scenes and may actually let you show off the acting chops that no one else thinks you have but I've seen in "Ned Kelly" and the Director's Cut of "Kingdom of Heaven". And for a variety of medical reasons, I can't handle it. It's kind of painful, frankly.

So, in short: Orlando Bloom, FUCK YOU. DOUCHEBAG.

Date: 2012-09-28 02:11 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] veronica-rich.livejournal.com
What movie? I are behind badly. The grapevine seems to have withered.

Ready for surgery? You can do it - if I can, you can. :-D

Date: 2012-09-28 04:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crevette.livejournal.com
NO, not by a long shot. I still have to finish work tomorrow (at least 12 hours and I AM STILL AWAKE!!!) and then clean up the house, bleach the catboxes (since I am the only person in the house with a sense of smell), scrub the bathroom ceiling (since I am the only one who looks up in this place), do the shopping, pay the bills, and get my "nesting" areas ready, and pack a bag. Urgh.

NO. NOT READY.

Date: 2012-09-28 04:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] veronica-rich.livejournal.com
GO THE F*CK TO SLEEP.

Date: 2012-09-29 03:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crevette.livejournal.com
also:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2249221/

Movie is called "Zulu" and it's a crime story.

Date: 2012-09-28 02:15 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com
I've missed this.

Date: 2012-09-28 11:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com
And good luck with the surgery!

Date: 2012-09-28 02:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adelheide.livejournal.com
Indeed, the Lust for Orlando is a cruel mistress...

Date: 2012-09-28 02:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] princess-kessie.livejournal.com
Best wishes for your upcoming hyster - while I had a difficult op, it was the best decision I ever made - even at 28 with no kids. I have now been free for 14 years - and I highly recommend it. Once you heal you'll feel like a new woman :)

But make sure you don't lift anything heavier than a pound or two for several weeks - it pulls on internal sutures (and abdominal ones) something fierce. So no laundry baskets full of laundry, no bags of groceries, no heavy pots on the stove. And make sure you get plenty of sleep. I was so tired for weeks post-op...so rest well, and heal fast *hugs* Oh, and hot water bottles (or heating pads) were a godsend, as was bracing with a pillow if I needed to cough or sneeze (I had mine done at the height of allergy season :/), and meals cooked in advance and frozen saved me from having to cook for weeks :)

(and yes, he has regained a little of his hawtness, hasn't he?)

Date: 2012-09-28 03:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] veronica-rich.livejournal.com
Yes, but also get up and walk a little a couple of times a day too - it helped me recover faster (I was back at work less than 3 weeks after surgery).

Date: 2012-09-28 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarcasticcheese.livejournal.com
Wow, he's looking pretty buff I that first picture.

I still can't quite wrap my head around the fact that he's a daddy either.

Best of luck with your upcoming surgery. Sending good thoughts your way.

Date: 2012-09-28 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kefiraahava.livejournal.com
Glad to see you back, even if it is to lament Orlando having tortured you so cruelly. :-)

Good luck with the surgery!

Date: 2012-09-28 03:40 am (UTC)
ext_39067: (nibbled to death)
From: [identity profile] kath8562.livejournal.com
Well, if you only scroll to the waist on those pictures, he's not bad. But those PANTS! Ack!
Good to hear you're finally having your nemesis removed. Best thing that ever happened to me. Here's a website for you-
http://www.hystersisters.com/. Helped my recovery immensely. Also, this is great for those hot flashes you're going to get- http://www.hystersisters.com/store/menopause/chillow-personal-cooling-device/. Good Luck!

Date: 2012-09-28 04:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gobsmacked.livejournal.com
Glad you are back!

As for Orlando's acting chops, I tried to post something at obdiscussion with reviews of The Good Doctor, and it has languished in mod limbo for weeks! Some of the reviews were pretty decent. I look forward, of course, to nekkid acting.

As for the hysto - I am too superstitious to wish anyone luck, but my fallopian tubes are crossed for you (or at least that's what it feels like)

Date: 2012-09-28 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gobsmacked.livejournal.com
also, the first (presumably hawt) piccie is not visitble.
Edited Date: 2012-09-28 04:36 am (UTC)

Date: 2012-09-29 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gobsmacked.livejournal.com
Yes. And thank you for thinking of *my* base and sordid needs so close to your operation.

Date: 2012-09-29 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crevette.livejournal.com
My pleasure. Literally!

Date: 2012-09-28 06:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxxydancr.livejournal.com
waitwaitwait. so you tell us of this picture of him with facial hair and curls and being hot, you taunt us with it, and yet you don't link us to it?
that's just cold.

Date: 2012-09-29 01:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crevette.livejournal.com
I can see it. Can you see it now?

Date: 2012-09-29 05:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] foxxydancr.livejournal.com
aha. now it shows up. thanks.

Date: 2012-09-28 06:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silmaril.livejournal.com
1. It's good to hear from you!
2. (Good to hear from The Uterus too, but I wish it wasn't painful.)
3. And I hit "post" too soon; best of luck with the surgery.

Edited Date: 2012-09-28 06:59 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-09-28 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] which-chick.livejournal.com
Best of luck on the surgery. I've had that done, for the same (fibroids+bleeding-to-knees) problem it sounds like you're having. While I would not wish the surgery on anyone, I do not regret having had it done (back in 2005). I hope it goes well for you and I hope your recovery is without incident.

Date: 2012-09-28 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dea-dea1983.livejournal.com
Loved this entry! Your comments are priceless Crevette!:)
He looks hot again, south Africa does him good!
And good luck with your surgery, my best wishes!
Edited Date: 2012-09-29 01:45 pm (UTC)

Date: 2012-09-29 12:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rapunzel215.livejournal.com
Where first picture? First picture not there. Want to see.

Date: 2012-09-29 12:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rapunzel215.livejournal.com
Oohhhhhhhhh. Very nice.

Date: 2012-09-29 03:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thalassatx.livejournal.com
WHAT MOVIE WITH NUDITY?

The Boy hasn't looked this good since Kingdom of Heaven.

And they should let you take the Uterus of Doom home and burn it yourself to make sure it's dead.

Date: 2012-09-29 03:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crevette.livejournal.com

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2249221/

Movie is called "Zulu" and it's a crime story.

I know, he looks GOOD.

Date: 2012-09-29 03:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thalassatx.livejournal.com
OH! I didn't know that ever got past a rumor!

Date: 2012-09-30 12:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avalonjones.livejournal.com
Nice to hear from you! Please take care, and best of luck with the surgery--make sure they encase that bitch in a concrete block and sink it in the nearest very deep body of water!

Date: 2012-10-01 02:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pre4pepsi.livejournal.com
Oh, Irene, how I have missed your musings. I haven't logged in here in about 3 or 4 years, but you made me do it. I had to see what you had to say about Mssr. Bloom. :) Love you and hope everything goes well. Clearly I have been on Facebook too much, because I was looking for a "like" button or some such stupidity. Ugh.

Date: 2012-10-03 03:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] columella.livejournal.com
Wow! Is that even the same person????

Date: 2013-09-28 03:22 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
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