Deep thoughts.

[crevette]

I am in therapy.

This, of course, should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me or claims to know me, but I felt I should put that right out there.

I had a hard time with the combination of menopause hormones, child leaving home, child's personal issues, and a long time and tenuously controlled anxiety disorder. All of these things together led to a savory melange of stress and panic attacks that kept me paralyzed with fear or kept me crying in a fetal position.

Better living through chemistry, with the addition of therapy.

Therapy is HARD. Really, really hard. Therapy is painful. Really, really painful. But sometimes you have to lance an infection to get the badness out and start healing.

I'm dealing with memories I didn't realize I had. I'm dealing with baggage I chose to ignore. I'm dealing with me and all my issues I have with me.

Your brain has all kinds of self-protection mechanisms built in. I didn't know that. It was only through talking with my therapist that I realized that I don't remember any of my birthdays as a child. I don't remember much of my childhood at all. Dredging up memories is just that--dredging through layers of silt and mud.

And when you get to the memory and look at it... really, really look at it... and see as an adult what you went through as a child... And then you realize that while you're okay with this happening to you, if you saw it happening to another child, you'd be enraged. You'd be horrified. You'd do anything you could to keep a child from being treated that way. That feeling of disconnection is abnormal. So very abnormal.

My therapist tells me that I'm not fucked up. The people who raised me were fucked up, but I'm not. I'm a survivor.

I am in therapy, and I am in the process of healing.

Comments

[snixen.livejournal.com]

I am very proud of you.

You have been so strong, for so long, for so many.

Take care of you, my friend.

[gobsmacked.livejournal.com]

This is very raw and honest, but I have come not to expect anything less from you. You have my support, my best wishes for success and {{{ *hugs*}}}

[rani23.livejournal.com]

Therapy was the smartest thing I ever did. Good for you, my dear.

[pir8fancier.livejournal.com]

I also found therapy really hard, but it was the only way to climb out of black hole I was in. Glad you're seeking help.

[kefiraahava.livejournal.com]

Brava. You are admirable, and I wish you strength and healing.

I don't remember much of my childhood at all. Dredging up memories is just that--dredging through layers of silt and mud.

*nods* I get it.

[avalonjones.livejournal.com]

You're strong and you're brave and you have lots and LOTS of friends who love you and who would do anything for you and who love and accept you just the way you are. And who are really proud of you too.

That includes me. **hug**

Plus, you're awesome and I'm proud to say I know you, even in this small capacity. <3

[smellykaka.livejournal.com]

Good luck to you! And a little bit extra for Thom and Liv too.

[docjeff.livejournal.com]

I don't remember much of my childhood at all. Dredging up memories is just that--dredging through layers of silt and mud.

It's the reverse for me. I have very clear memories of my childhood, well, some aspects of it. But day-to-day now, I'm lucky to be able to remember what I ate for $mealtime or whether I've an appointment that day.

*Hugs* I do so miss reading what you write.

[nick-kaufmann.livejournal.com]

Sending my best wishes. Very proud of you.

[veritasema.livejournal.com]

The hardest thing about therapy is starting.
The second hardest is telling people.
For me, it took a full on breakdown to realize I needed help, and I went through 5 various mental health people before I found one I could work with.
And then more than 2 years before I started to be open with people, and to be able to remind people (like family), that I am not okay, and probably never will be. For me it is treatment-resistant depression, with anxiety, ADHD, and little sense of self-worth; all of which I self-medicated for years with caffeine and sugar and isolation.
The biggest surprise is my father opening up to me that he has many of the same issues, but he will never go to therapy for it. But he understands what I am going through now.

But this is about you.

I am proud of you. You are not fucked up, you are not merely a survivor, you are a champion. You have a healthy marriage, a bright and beautiful daughter who had a happy upbringing despite what you went through, and you are do the best thing you can do......TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF.

So hurrah for you.......you are brave and strong and beautiful.

[lac.livejournal.com]

Good for you. The hardest thing for anyone to do is say "I need some assistance here!" Therapy is hard (from experience I can tell you) but ever so worth it. HUGS

[hdsqrl.livejournal.com]

I know you only through LJ, but am so very very glad for you, for seeking (and finding!) this path to healing. :)

[dejla.livejournal.com]

Good for you! I believe in therapy -- in fact I'm in it myself.

I hope for your recovery and you getting stronger in the process.

[ladyegreen.livejournal.com]

I wish you all the best on your journey. I wish you well and hopeful that your future is as bright and shining as you are.

[troutwaxer.livejournal.com]

I'm very glad for you. I know you'll feel better soon!

[nebride.livejournal.com]

Therapy is the hardest work you'll ever do. I remember so well digging through my own mud and silt and coming up with memories that were normal for me, but, as you said, if you saw them happening to another child - I'd almost be willing to kill someone to prevent a child going through that. I offer my sympathy and my support. What you're doing is good work. From someone who got through it and came out the other side - there is a whole beautiful, safe, happy world out here.

(And I agree with your therapist, you're not fucked up. The simple fact that you're willing to learn the tools to improve your life shows that you're not fucked up. People who are truly fucked up don't realized it and wouldn't do anything to change, even if they did.)

best wishes,
Neb

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

You said it better than I ever could: You are a survivor, and you are in the process of healing.

[namastenancy.livejournal.com]

Brava! I went through therapy and it was the best thing I ever did.

And did you know that Orlando Bloom is now free? ...Just saying..

[only-one-girl.livejournal.com]

Seems to me like you've taken the most important step towards healing - seeking professional help. You have my very best wishes. :)

[ukbarbarella.livejournal.com]

I'm not very good at finding the right things to say (I blame the British thing.....but it's probably just me! LOL!) but I just wanted to say that I've always admired you (and your relationships with Thom and Olivia) so I hope you find all the answers you need to find your way through these testing times.
*brusque British Hugs* :D

[lhun-dweller.livejournal.com]

No, you're not fucked up. And you have not only survived, but you have embarked on a brave journey of healing. How wise and brave!

I've never met you in person, but it's always been clear, just through the written words you share, that you have a strong, healthy center. Look at the amazing daughter you've raised and the marriage you've sustained over these years. People who are truly fucked up can't do that. You've reached a place in your life's journey where you're strong enough to be ready to do that hard work. What a remarkable woman you continue to be! [hugging you with a big smile and with tears in my eyes, sending you strength]

[slamson.livejournal.com]

You go, Crevette. Did that myself a few years ago, best thing I ever did for me. Healing isn't easy, but the results are amazing. Much love to all of you.

[may-lyn.livejournal.com]

lord love a duck, dear one, just listening to the broad strokes of your mom's personality, I could have guessed that!

many times I, too, longed for simple benign neglect. beats the hell out of out and out abuse. then the abuser telling your mom that you are a liar, and having your mom, because of that, never believe a word out of your mouth. ever.

dark and sinister memories, sweetie. but you also had to go through that to get where you are now. i'm strong. stronger than anything.

[addison16.livejournal.com]

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[childlight.livejournal.com]

Just walking through livejournal land and wanted to say hello and that I was thinking about you.

[timberwolfoz.livejournal.com]

Just found you again (through all things of a link to a SW Holiday Special review) so wanted to say I'm glad you found someone to work with and I'm cheering you on. Retrospectively.