I really don't know how to start with this one, except from the beginning--which is a very good place to start. Sorry, I've been retreating to my happy place since reading this book, and my happy place usually consists of musicals. Yet I'm not a gay man. Go figure. laughingimp
, cursed be his name, provided the Alpha Bitch Club with a copy of "Night Travels of the Elven Vampire" by LaVerne Ross. Keep in mind that this is the same man who sent us a copy of The Star Wars Holiday Special
which nearly caused me to spork my eyes out and open my jugular with dull grapefruit spoon.
He spent over $16 on this book, which in and of itself is a crime of epic proportions, and then he sent it to us with the requirement that I must read this book and write a review of it on LJ. Rat Bastard.
After reading 98 3/4 pages of complete and utter badness, I must report that I feel like a Goddess about my writing abilities. And I feel really confident about saying that. I mean, REALLY REALLY REALLY confident.
But... onto the review. I must note that I am going to quote several passages from this book, but am doing it under the fair use part of copyright law, for review purposes. There is no profit made from my use of these words, nor do I claim to have written them (Dear sweet Jesus God above NO!) in any way, shape or form. The characters of Alaric and Elspeth and Marti'el all belong to LaVerne Ross, and she is welcome to them.
I will be typing excerpts from the book EXACTLY as they are in the book including all puncutation, grammar, spelling, and *snerk* plot points. It will be physically painful for me to type like this, so pity me.
Welcome, good gentles to the horror that is Night Travels of the Elven Vampire
, written by LaVerne Ross.
This book was published by PublishAmerica, a well known vanity publisher that will publish just about anything.
We opened the package that contained this book on Thursday night and recoiled instantly at the cover. You will notice the cover is a heavily pixelated photoshop jobbie of Orlando Bloom as Legolas. With fangs. And strange neon red blod droplets on his lips and collar. Yeah. I certainly hope someone notified New Line about THAT copyright infringement.
And the cover is actually the superior part of the book, boys and girls.
Let's just jump right into this bad boy. My thoughts/reactions are bolded here...
Our main characters are Elspeth... ( Caution! Here be wrongness! )
Elspeth starts out as a treasure hunter. She evolves later on in the book into a paranormal detective with a curse (which is never really shown or stated exactly what it is, just that she's cursed).
Then we have Alaric: Remember, it physically HURTS to type this stuff... ( Caution! Here be EVEN MORE wrongness! )
Yes, Alaric is a vampire. And he shapeshifts into a wolf. Alaric is also an Elf. It also turns out that Elves are aliens from the planet Telvron, where there are also sentient trees and unicorns. And he's telepathic too, because he talks to his brother Marti'el that way. So that makes Alaric an alien vampire werewolf psychic writer. Got that? Good. That way you won't get confuzzled when he becomes a pirate.
Alaric owns a pure white horse named "Snowshadow" and a wonderous dog named "King". He also likes to ride motorcycles. ( Caution! Here be wrongness about the dog! )
King, it turns out, had been a medicine man in a previous life, and it's never mentioned why he was reincarnated as a technicolor impared sheepdog. But that's okay. I don't think I want to know. Really.
Then you have Alaric's brother Marti'el (who obviously got all the apostrophes that the author neglected to put everyplace else and is trying to find a cure for his brother's vampirism) and a whole bunch of psychic detective people that are used for one scene and then never show up again.
Now... the plot... *snickers*... Okay, this is a hard one.
Elspeth goes out one night to visit the cemetary where her family is buried. I assume it's somewhere near the woods of the damned.
While she's there, she encounters a wolf who turns into Alaric.( MAKE IT STOP MOMMY!! )
So Alaric tries to bite Elspeth, but realizes there is something "Unique" about her. I think this is a good example of "elegance" as described earlier in this review, strawberry scented "elegance", truth be told.
So he leaves her there, and then starts thinking about her. She starts thinking about him. The next night they get together, and they go out riding in the woods, him on 'Snowshadow' *snicker* and her on a mare. Somehow, the fact that they're in the woods and in the DARK and riding horses does not result in a broken leg for the horses or branches sweeping at least the human off of her saddle, but I digress.... (expect me to digress a lot here...)
So then they're in LURVE. And then Elspeth goes into a haunted house and sucked into an alternate universe where she's captured by... wait for it... brace for it... you know you want to know this... PIRATES!!! Yes! Pirates! "Francios Blaize Martien, Captain of the pirate ship SeaBlaize. You can call me Blaize."
And Blaize looks JUST like Alaric, who looks JUST like Legolas with dark hair, who looks just like Orlando Bloom who played a pira.... HEY!
And Blaize is set on defiling Elspeth as revenge for something, who really cares waht, but he wants to defile her, which is how I felt after reading this book, honestly. Defiled.( Caution! Cutting words! )
So then it turns out that this was just a test for Elspeth for the alien Elven council to see if she would be faithful to Alaric, so she reappears back in the haunted house where she's then kidnapped by a gargoyle! Yes! A gargoyle! Let's leave no poor innocent demonic creature unmolested!
The gargolye takes her to some of Alaric's enemies who want to kill Alaric for being unclean and a vampire. They want to use Elspeth as bait. BUT!!!! They then find out that Elspeth is a Psi-vampire herself! She has to exist on the energy of living things! ( Caution! Angst! )
So Alaric and Marti'el come on motorcycles to save her, even though Marti'el has just found the cure to vampirism. There's no time to give it now! They're in a sword fight with the baddies and Elspeth LOVES LOVES LOVES Alaric so much that she uses her now hated Psi-vampire ability to drain the life energy out of his enemy, and Alaric bites and turns his enemy into a vampire. Even though he hated and despised and angsted over being a vampire. Yeah. They're doing the things they hate the most about themselves, all for LOOOOVE!
And then the Elven high council materializes, tells Marti'el they were holding Alaric's cure back till the time was right--which is now, by the way--it's okay to keep him from killing people now, that the war against darkness on their homeworld is won, and everyone can come home, including Elspeth as Alaric's bride! And they know all about Elspeth and her future with them! Yay Team!
And everyone's okay with this???
And then they all rode off on motorcycles into the sunrise.
And it ended.
Sweet Jesus, it ended. 98 3/4 pages. It ended. And I hate, hate, HATE laughingimp
for doing this to me. I think he's strawberry scented elegance for doing this to me.