Ow. Ow. Ow.

[crevette]

Okay, so consultation went well, I suppose.


I talked to the doctor, explained I've been actively bleeding for the past two weeks, explained about the loss of five pairs of panties and two pairs of pants in a 36 hour period.

I asked if there was a way to take out my uterus, give it to a taxidermist to have it stuffed and made into a punching bag so that I could nail it to the wall and viciously punch it a few times before I left for work every morning.

They laughed at me. I guess they don't realize how serious I was.

Anyways, they then had to do something called an 'endometrial biopsy' to be sure that everything was okay and there was no cancer that would be boiled away.

I just looked at her funny and she said, "Not like you'd think it's a bad thing, but that's not the way to treat cancer."

Okay, then.

The procedure consists of them 'washing' your cervix with iodine, and then taking a stiff drinking straw and sticking it through your cervix into your uterus.

For those sort of shaky on the biology aspect, the cervix is a firm muscle that basically feels like the tip of your nose. It opens slightly during orgasm and during menustration, but mostly remains shut tight as tupperware except when you are birthing a baby when it dilates to ten centimeters.

Mind you, birthing a baby hurts because of contractions. Contractions are caused by the cervix dilating. Cramps during your period hurt because the cervix dilates.

Ergo, someone shoving something up your cervix when it is not wanting to be open = PAIN.

Then, not only do they stick said stiff straw THROUGH your closed cervix, they use the end of said straw to POKE HOLES in the lining of your uterus all around. Poke poke poke poke pokity mcPOKE. Said poking also hurts like a son of a bitch.

Then they take out the straw and tap BLOODY CHUNKS of your uterus into a vial so they can get it tested. BIG BLOODY CHUNKS.

Mind you, I wouldn't care much that they turned my uterus into an internal bag of Capri Sun except that IT IS STILL ATTACHED. AND IT FUCKING HURTS.

So I am in pain right now. And bitchy.

But happy because my ablation has been scheduled for 8/29. YAY!!!

COUNTDOWN, BABY.

Comments

[princessmab.livejournal.com]

I had a horrible test where they put a tube in my cervix an injected dye to see how my uterus and tubes where. It hurt like hell. No one should ever shove something into the cervix.

Take some Ibprophine before you go!

[renoir-girl.livejournal.com]

Perhaps you could have Orlando do the procedure? I find painful things much more tolerable when the source of the pain is at the very least physically attractive.

[charl23.livejournal.com]

Dang, that sucks! I know what you are going through - I had a cone biopsy of my cervix years ago and that sent me through the freaking roof. It should stop hurting you real soon though. *hugs*

[docjeff.livejournal.com]

*hums "I enjoy being a girl" and then runs like hell*

*hugs*

[adelheide.livejournal.com]

Yeah. My ob/gyn thought I was kidding when I suggested a hysterectomy. I was seeing him because I had started perimenopause and didn't know that yet. All I knew what that my girl parts suddenly went insane and were taking the rest of me with them.

"First thing we'll do is a PAP smear. At your age, if any readings come back abnormal, we might want to discuss surgery."

"What's to discuss? Your office is attached to the hospital. Give 'em a call and see if they have any ORs open. What the heck? I can take the rest of the day off!"

It was the first of many strange looks he gave me.

Later, during the testing extravaganza, I had the same proceedure where he poked a straw into my cervix and get "samples" from my uterus. "Ow" I said the first time. 30 seconds later I made sure to yell "OW!" so that the whole office could hear me.

"Oh. Sorry."

Yeah, you're gonna be sorry, Mister, when I give you a vasectomy with that straw!

[anela.livejournal.com]

Good freakin' lord...I'm cringing over here. A lot. T-minus 13 days and counting.

*feel better vibes!*

[gypsypet.livejournal.com]

And I thought I got to win the contest with a giant cyst on my ovary that won't go away.

You win. I decided this as soon as I read the first sentence containing "straw" and "uterus".

[avalonjones.livejournal.com]

Since your uterus seems to be seriously into donating large bloody chunks of its lining anyway, it's just further proof of its cruelty that it hurt you so much to have them remove them without its consent.

Feel better soon--and bwa ha ha, countdown!

[londonang.livejournal.com]

YAY YAY YAY...2 weeks away!

I can relate to the straw through the cervix. Been there, done that...only mine was voluntary. 3 times even. Oh the quest for a baby can be blinding.

Did they at least give you pain pills?

[kanderson321.livejournal.com]

A hysterectomy is looking ever so much better right now.

No kids, no plans for kids; right now, it's just a poor excuse for a clown car. I told my doctor that I would seriously consider a hysterectomy, and he thought I was kidding.

Wait until I wrap his ears around his head twice, and then he'll think I'm kidding. :)

[kamala-1.livejournal.com]

I'd like to say that I feel your pain, but my consult is not until the 27th, so I won't be introduced to Mr Happy Fun Straw until then.
Hang in there!

[ladyfox7oaks.livejournal.com]

I think you Uterus' last letter to you is going to be hysterical... no- seriously...

[rapunzel215.livejournal.com]

Hey, I found a little gem of crap on this website about Natural Family Planning, that I thought you might get a kick out of. It's on my livejournal page. Take a look and after you stop laughing, tell me what you think!

Sorry about all your pain. Don't they give you anything for it? Here's hoping that your ablation goes smoothly.

[veronica-rich.livejournal.com]

I talked to the doctor, explained I've been actively bleeding for the past two weeks, explained about the loss of five pairs of panties and two pairs of pants in a 36 hour period.

I may have mentioned this before. Stop me if you've heard it. But I have a single friend in her 20s who has had this problem for YEARS (since teens) every month, and nobody will perform a hysterectomy even though doctors have admitted she's at increased risk for cancer and other health problems.

The reason? She hasn't any children.

She doesn't want children. But that doesn't matter. What I'm hearing is that having the babies is more important than keeping her healthy and alive for her own value. What I'm hearing is that biological children are of higher value than adopted children, should she by some rare miracle decide someday she'd like to raise a little person.

(It has nothing to do with you. But the 30 seconds it took to read took your mind off your pain, didn't it? It's not as much fun as IMDB wank, but still ... :-D )

[hakeber.livejournal.com]

Hooray for an ablation! I had one a couple of years ago, and have absolutely no regrets. Everything was much improved afterwards, though they lie about having no more periods. I still get mine like clockwork, however the cramping is much much less. Even the back spasms are much less.

[ivyfree.livejournal.com]

A woman GYN is SO much better. I went to mine and said, "I want a hysterectomy." She said, "I have to ask you how you feel about your uterus." I said, "Disposable as a used kleenex," and she said, "Okay, it's OUTTA there!" Never looked back. You're going to be SO glad to have that ablation. And never let them mess with your uterus without promising you pain pills.

[bat-cheva.livejournal.com]

Oh, they aren't all that reasonable. My female OBGYN said she didn't do sterlizations and couldn't imagine why I'd want to close off my options that way. As if having a child doesn't close off just as many options. No, it was a male OBGYN who thought I was human enough to make the decision on my own.

[naamah-darling.livejournal.com]

Congratulations! Though not on the pain thing. Ow. Ow. Ow. Much sympathy.

[nebride.livejournal.com]

OMGOMGOMG! I think I tried to stuff both fists into my mouth as I was gasping in horror over this. OMG the pain!!! I can't even begin to imagine how much you must be hurting right now. I'm so sorry! You'd think they would have a better method, or at least send super pain pills home with you!

I hope you feel better very soon and congrates on getting the appointment scheduled! That bitch has worn out her welcome!

[sumobabe.livejournal.com]

Ouch. I've never had an endometrial biopsy, but I did have a cervical biopsy once. Not as bad as the swiss cheese making you had to endure, but enough to know that the only things you want poking and prodding around down there are...well, not equipped with cutting edges.

[gilmoure.livejournal.com]

In other news: Hunters made their first penetration of Dean this afternoon.

[venicebreathing.livejournal.com]

OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!! BEEN THERE!!!

It will be SO worth it tho!

[kath8562.livejournal.com]

Hah! Me and my uterus are parting ways that very same day! So you can keep the countdown for me......

[malakhai.livejournal.com]

That's way worse than getting a shot in the eye. FUCK

[the1pony.livejournal.com]

Holy fuck. Because you haven't had enough pain- they should oughtta poke the hell out of you just for kicks. Jeebus. Wow.

At least you have the green light for the par-boiling of the evil bitch from Hell. That'll teach her to fuck with you, huh? I hope it makes things a helluva lot better.

[scriptchick.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I understand.

I had a procedure done like that - with the iodine wash and all.

And imagine my surprise and agony to find out *that* way that I'm allergic to iodine.

OUCH!!

[bat-cheva.livejournal.com]

I've had the biopsy of my cervix where they cut out chunks. You have my deepest sympathies.

And congrats on your pending ablation. I've been happy as a clam with mine. :)

[stormpirate.livejournal.com]

Ouch! *sending happy, pain pill filled vibes your way*

Glad to hear that it's scheduled and you have a countdown. Good luck!

[sethrak.livejournal.com]

They removed chunks of your uterus and didn't give you a local anesthetic? Not even a swig of whiskey and a stick to clamp your jaws on, like Civil War era amputations?

Good God. You're made of stronger stuff than I am. I would have created a semi-cunning diversion, then run screaming from the exam room.

[msilverstar]

All I can say is you have my deepest sympathy. But I'm glad you have a plan!

[invisibelle.livejournal.com]

Sounds remarkably similar to how they put in an IUD, which hurts so much that they warn you ahead of time to do things like take painkillers and eat so that you don't faint.

[p-n-elrod.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm a big weenie wimp when it comes to med stuff, but I had this done and got through it.

I told them to NOT show me anything, just get on with things.

Yes, it was *uncomfortable*, but it did NOT last long.

That's one thing no one here has mentioned. Keep that it mind, it won't last long at all.

I had enough time to bellow BLEEPING BLEEP, MAKE IT FAST, OH BLEEP BLEEPING FUDGECICLES, MOVE YER BLOOMIN' ARSE!!!

(The doctor will be used to such yelling and much worse language, trust me.)

Then it was abruptly all over but the mess, which I did not have to look at, that was the nurse's job.

She patted my shoulder, put a box of tissues on the table next to me, and they all swept out of the examination room, leaving me alone. I boo-hooed a couple tears, because that adrenalin had to go someplace. It was just reaction. I sucked it up when realized I wasn't in pain, just squishy. (Ick.) I cleaned up in the john, no problem.

I even walked normally out to the front to get the last of the paper work.

But...they were waiting for me--to get a blood sample...I saw it in their eyes as I came out the door.

Whatever they did to me down there with the iodine I was ready to go through again rather than have some smiling "oh this won't hurt, sugar" nurse coming at me with one of those shiny steel needles and a wad of cotton. Which she did. I ran like hell.

She was a determined bitch, though, and tackled me bodily in the parking lot--I was just steps short of my car and cursing my lack of a fitness program...

*

*

*

Okay. The last two paragraphs I exaggerated just a *wee* bit.

But you're a tough broad. If you can survive some geezer on a giant tricycle mowing you down, you can get through this and arm wrestle Bruce Willis afterward.

And, yes, it really does help to yell. If you let out a few bellows while squeezing out your kid, you are absolutely entitled to crank up the volume for this.

[p-n-elrod.livejournal.com]

PS--the nurse did tell me to take three Advils (I think it was Advils) about 40 minutes before coming in.

Check with them about doing that for yourself. I think they really did take the edge off.